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Let’s be very honest with each other: it’s been a shit week in Africa.
I, myself, felt very afflicted and burdened this past weekend, between the riots and threat of civil war, the COVID 3rd wave, and a very nasty tooth extraction that had me in untold pain.
I found myself dreading Monday. Not for disliking my work; I love my work.
In fact, I view my work as love-in-action.
But the dread was for whether I would be able to hold space for all the people in my care, who needed me to process with them an experience that is actually shared. That I feel too.
I want, so much, to let each person tell their story, as though it were theirs alone. Because this is one of my core beliefs as a therapist: that the benefit of therapy is for a person to hear themselves speak, to hear their own heart, both verbalised and then repeated back to them, in order to figure out what it all means FOR THEM, and them alone.
It’s a rare and unusual thing, as a therapist, to be in the same storm ravaging your clients’ worlds. Which has, since March 2020, become quite the norm, in all truth.
I self-cared HARD this weekend. As a coach of mine says, “I self-cared like it was my job”. Because, in truth, it is my job! If I don’t look after me, I cannot look after you.
I took my vitamins.
I walked on the treadmill.
I listened to uplifting podcasts.
I meditated, and swallowed my melatonin.
I leaned into the “sleep stories” I’ve discovered on the Calm App (you can thank me later).
I bonded with my husband.
I baked for my kids. I played UNO and visited with my parents.
I felt dreadful.
For all the reasons we all know. And the pain in my newly naked gum.
And then, this morning – Monday - I woke feeling BETTER. From the minute I opened my eyes, there was a lightness, and I knew the weekend’s ‘labour’ had borne fruit.
And while doing my morning routine, I wrote in my journal that “my intention for the day is to hold space for the pain and the experience of my clients, and to allow room for what is happening in our collective unconscious, as South Africans”.
To basically be present and available, for each person, and what they bring into their therapy. And I was excited and hopeful for the day.
And now, as I write, it’s the end of that same Monday, and I am WELL.
But I feel compelled to write up a prescription for each of you who may still be feeling heavy, encumbered and anxious – whether for your individual concerns, or the state of our nation.
Today I’ve spoken over and over about checking and challenging our thoughts.
Feelings emanate from what we think.
When overwhelmed with an emotion, ponder for a moment what the thought is behind that feeling.
And then consider if there is any way to reframe that thought. To think something else. To replace it with something kinder.
Or to dismiss it as un-factual, irrational, exaggerated or unnecessarily harsh.
I’ve spoken about reparenting ourselves, and speaking kindly to our troubled inner beings.
I’ve spoken about putting ourselves to bed a bit earlier, winding down in the evenings and getting off the screens and the booze and the coffee.
About delaying domestic debates for a better week.
And about minimising exposure to sensationalism.
I’ve spoken about feeding ourselves well, whatever that means for each person. And moving our bodies, in whichever way feels kind and appropriate, and releases an endorphin or two.
I’ve spoken about journaling, and dumping onto paper whatever thoughts are swirling, unmanaged, around our untamed minds. So that we can get a sense of which thoughts are nonsense (much, again, like a loving parent may do with a stressed out child), and offer ourselves more gracious alternatives and hopeful options.
And I’ve spoken about altruism and contribution, and the role this can play in making us feel a little better; more positive, hopeful and active in what has happened and is happening.
Because, no matter which theorist you read, or which orientation a therapist practices from, the pillars of mental health will always include:
- A managed mind (tamed by journaling, self-awareness and appropriate reading/ learning).
- Well-regulated emotion, often best achieved through a good self-esteem and relationship with self, as well as through connecting with close friends, family and/or a therapist.
- Body care through some movement.
- A good night’s sleep, optimised with a decent winding down gently towards bedtime.
- Decent nutrition, to whatever extent possible, relative to your own needs.
- Contribution, for many reasons, but also to feel connected and active and powerful.
Because, Psychology 101 – there are things we cannot (really) control in this world, like pandemics and riots and food shortages.
And things we can, like the quality of our inner worlds, the time spent working on how we show up in the world, and who and how we want to be for ourselves, and the people in our lives.
I hope this has been somewhat helpful and provided food for thought.